Episode 174: How Weight Loss Can Impact Marriage And Partnerships

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Episode Overview

Many of our members and listeners have weight loss goals and desire to work towards those goals in a balanced, healthy, and sustainable way. But what happens when your partner is on a different path? Can it create a stronger bond or does it lead to friction and disconnection?

On today’s podcast we discuss both the positive and negative impacts that weight loss journeys can have in marriage and partnerships. We also share how we’ve handled our own weight loss journeys within our relationships. Join us!

And if you haven’t grabbed our free guide, Binge Eating: Why You Do It & How to Stop, be sure to do so right now! Download your copy today and start learning how to manage your binge eating behaviors.

Key Points

• The difference between dieting and sustainable weight loss journeys
• The main ways we’ve seen weight loss impact our members’ relationships
• Jen and Annie’s experiences with weight loss and marriage

Mentions:

• Episode 160: When You Feel Triggered By Your Partner’s Diet Or Weight Loss
• Binge Eating: Why You Do It & How to Stop download

Related Content:

• Episode 70: How To Ask For What You Need Without Apology
• Episode 154: How Stress Impacts Your Weight

Transcript

ANNIE BREES (INTRO)
Welcome to Balanced365 Life Radio, a podcast that delivers honest conversations about food, fitness, weight, and wellness. I’m your host Annie Brees along with co-founder Jennifer Campbell. Together we have a team of personal trainers and nutritionists who coach 1000s of women daily and are on a mission to help women feel happy, healthy, and confident in their bodies on their own terms. Join us here every week as we discuss hot topics pertaining to our physical, mental, and emotional well-being with amazing guests. Enjoy.

ANNIE
Hello, my friends, welcome to Balance365 Life Radio. This is your host, Annie Brees. Today we are talking about how weight loss can impact your marriage or partnership because fun fact, relationships or perhaps the lack of communication support and/or boundaries and relationships can be one of the biggest barriers to change. And for many of our listeners, our marriages or partnerships are our primary relationship and have a huge impact on our growth and change trajectory. Personal experience combined with working with 1000s of women have shown us that when a weight loss journey enters the picture, there can be both positive and negative consequences in our primary relationships. A few weeks ago, we released a podcast on what to do when you feel triggered by your partner’s weight loss and/or fad dieting behaviors. And today, we’re talking about what you may run into when you are on your own weight loss journey. We aren’t relationship therapists, of course, but we do have our own advice to share. But before we get into it, make sure you grab our free guide, “Why You Binge and What to Do About It.” You can find the link to that in our show notes. Enjoy this episode, my friends.

ANNIE
Jen, we are talking about relationships today, which I suppose we do in a variety of ways on this podcast, very relationship-based, whether that’s with girlfriends or members or partners, spouses.

JEN
Yeah, our relationships have a big impact on our overall feelings of wellness. So yeah, of course, we would talk about them.

ANNIE
And today we’re talking very specifically about how weight loss can impact your marriage or your partnership. Right? And you don’t, we’re probably gonna say this a thousand times, but we are not therapists. We’re just here sharing our own personal experience, the sentiment that some of our members have shared around how weight loss has impacted their relationships and providing some considerations, the experiences you might anticipate or to validate if you have also had that experience. You maybe aren’t alone.

JEN
Yeah.

ANNIE
Yeah. So I think first things first, though, Jen, let’s clarify the difference between dieting and sustainable weight loss journeys because we’re talking about the latter.

JEN
Yeah, so we describe dieting or fad dieting as temporary behavior changes that result in the fastest weight loss possible. That’s usually the intent, right? So this could look like cutting out food groups, having good and bad foods, counting points, or macros, doing some kind of cleanse or detox, eating clean, etc., etc. Just following kind of any popular diet trend, Atkins, South Beach, paleo. Today, we’re primarily going to be talking about the slower, sustainable weight loss journeys that we talk about so much on this podcast that are a result of permanent, desirable behavior changes that you can stick with, right? But first, we thought we’d touch on dieting and how that can impact relationships. Since that may be where a lot of our listeners are at.

ANNIE
Whether you’re the one still dieting, or maybe your partner is dating, right? Either/or?

JEN
Either/or, yeah, we have another podcast on the triggers that can come up for women when their partners are dieting. And I would go listen to that, if that’s kind of your issue. And this is sort of the reverse of what can come up in your relationship when you are losing weight. But I can quickly touch on my experience of when I was dieting, which I would differentiate from, you know, I’ve lost weight in healthy and unhealthy ways. Most of most of my 20s were in very unhealthy ways. And that definitely had an impact on my marriage. And even before my marriage, just different relationships I had, and the things I was doing, but it wouldn’t, I don’t know if it was the actual nutrition changes or the weight loss I was seeing, per se. It was everything that comes along with being a dieter, right? So I would have like a roller coaster of habits, my weight would be yo-yoing all over the place. I was obsessive. My self-esteem would be also on a roller coaster right? But mostly failing diet after diet, plummeting self-esteem, lots of panic and anxiety, overall, just struggling with my emotional health as a director. And when I was riding that diet roller coaster, I was moody, I was jealous and insecure, I was dictating a lot of our experiences by how I felt in clothing or what the scale said that morning, right? And I was also dictating where we could eat, what we could eat, how we could eat, when we could eat. And I’m sure, well, I know that it was very frustrating and exhausting for my partner to have me going on those roller coasters all the time. And I was also subjecting my partner and my kids to extreme food philosophies, right? That were just very unnecessary for me, first of all, but very inappropriate and unnecessary for them.

ANNIE
Yeah, I was very blessed when I was married to have a very supportive partner. But I always had this sense that when I was back on the wagon, quote, unquote, that there’s almost just this like shift that he knew that was going to occur because we had been through it so many times –

JEN
He’d just brace himself.

ANNIE
[Laughs] Yeah, like, buckle up, everybody. We’re doing this again, which means different groceries, different meal, like, he supported a lot of the cooking and the meal prep. So that impacted him and impacted him from like, “Now I want to buy these new clothes,” to support this smaller body. You know, it just really does have a ripple effect that as much as I wanted to think it was only impacting me, it definitely rippled out into the other parts of my family.

JEN
Yeah, I would say one of the biggest things when I had that dieter identity was probably how, when you have that dieter identity, you are extremely fat phobic. Right? So probably the worst time of my life when I was really struggling with body image was in my first pregnancy and postpartum. And at that time, I think it must have been probably pretty emotionally grueling for my husband to be around me. Because I talked about my body constantly. And I demanded a lot from him as far as just validation, just constant. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting compliments from your partner, fishing for them when you just need one. It’s the frequency and the constantness of it. Right? So now I can validate myself. I don’t need, you know, some days, some days, I might need a little pick me up. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Do you get what I’m saying here? [Laughs]

ANNIE
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

JEN
Yeah. So yeah, but that’s, that’s the diet or stuff. And I feel like we’ve talked a lot about those types of issues over the course of our podcast. But today, we want to talk about something a little bit different, which is weight loss journeys that come from the shifts that are happening from those true, deep lifestyle changes. And what often becomes identity shifts for people, right? When your weight loss comes from a place of self love, or valuing yourself, your whole identity can shift the way you see the world can shift. Right? And of course, that has the potential to provide both challenges or maybe even more harmony in your partnership, or marriage.

ANNIE
Yeah, and I think we’re going to discuss both how it can bring together and it can also divide.

JEN
Yeah.

ANNIE
So shall we get into the main ways that we’ve seen this impact our members’ relationships and our own relationships?

JEN
Yes, of course. So this is kind of personal experience and what we’ve seen over the years, different patterns from our members, but I came up with six, and the first one is that your weight loss journey brings out your partner’s insecurities or fears about their own worthiness. And I guess what you might be experiencing here is what feels like your partner trying to sabotage you on something that feels important to you.

ANNIE
Absolutely. I think this can show up in a couple different ways. I’m thinking like the first one that came to mind was maybe externally, like maybe you’re receiving compliments about your appearance from other people when you’re out in public. Or it could just mean something that’s happening with them internally. They don’t need those. They don’t need to hear those compliments. They have this belief that you are becoming more attractive, more worthy, you’re acting in a different way that commands a certain level of respect, or maybe more boundaries that shows like, “No, I know I’m worthy here, I’m a valuable commodity as a human being, and I’m going to uphold that worth,” which can have this domino effect that elicits these insecurities, right?

JEN
Yeah, and so again, Annie and I aren’t therapists. So just, I hope this goes without saying, but as we go through each point, and we talk about different ideas for solutions, therapy is always something that we recommend if it’s accessible to you. But I definitely think this is worth an honest and compassionate conversation. But ultimately, you can’t do this work for your partner, right? And ultimately, you should not have to change. I mean, this is my personal belief that you shouldn’t have to change what’s important to you to keep your partner comfortable.

ANNIE
You know, the conversation in my head sounds something like, “Hey, I’m noticing this behavior. I’m noticing these comments, I’m curious about how you feel about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Just kind of explore and be curious. Versus, “Could you please not do that?” [Laughs]

JEN
Yeah. Or accusing. Or yeah, you know, and just remembering this is about their own worthiness and their own value, and what they see that they, what they bring to the relationship or how they are judging people, right? Like, what they look at as far as what makes people equal or not equal, more valuable than each other, less valuable. What you can do is support your partner in seeking out getting what they need, right?

ANNIE
Yeah. Absolutely. Okay, number two, what you got?

JEN
Number two is it can bring you closer together as you step into your most confident self. And nobody likes to think about or say this, that weight loss makes a person more confident. There’s plenty of evidence out there on social media, friends that you have, family members, that people in larger bodies can find confidence, right? I strongly believe you don’t, you don’t have to lose weight to find confidence. That’s not what I mean here. The confidence that I’m talking about grows from an improvement of what is called self-efficacy. And self-efficacy is essentially self-trust. And it’s learning to value yourself and follow through on commitments you make to yourself; that’s where the confidence could grow from. And you’re just becoming a woman that is embodying what she wants to become or who she sees her best self as in her day-to-day habits. And there’s just kind of an alignment or integration that happens when you start truly living a life aligned with your values. And I just want to note here that it’s not uncommon to hear in Balance365, that the weight loss they experience is the least interesting thing about their journeys, right? It’s that integration that happens that they are just so excited about. And I think what a lot of people will find is that stepping into their kind of true whole selves, building their self efficacy or their self trust, following through with commitments on themselves, this brings them closer to their partner.

ANNIE
I’m thinking back to the episode with Mel Bosma about asking for what you want and need. And, you know, when I really began to feel more confident and more in alignment, I stopped expecting my partner to know or guess, and guess correctly about what I needed and wanted. I was just able to say, “No, this, it’s, you know, Mother’s Day, I would like XYZ. It’s my birthday. This is what I need, or this weekend, here’s what I would like to do. What do you want to do?”

JEN
Yeah.

ANNIE
Or even, we’ve heard many members say about how Balance365 has improved their sex life, because they’re not –

JEN
[Laughs]

ANNIE
They’re not spectating during sex. They’re not like so concerned with the right angles and how do I look and I’d really like this, but we’re doing that, you know, in the bedroom. It’s like, “No, I would like this. What do you want? This is what works for me. I enjoyed this, what do you enjoy?” And when you can really own that, I think partners across the board are like, “Thank you.” [Laughs] “I don’t want to guess.”

JEN
Yeah. And I also think in my journey; I learned to start meeting some of my own needs of things that I relied on my partner for that I touched on earlier, like, just kind of this, I needed this constant stream of validation. Because I didn’t love myself, right? Or the only, the only way I could feel good about myself is when I knew other people felt good about me kind of thing. So yeah, I definitely experienced this side of it as well.

ANNIE
Yeah. Okay, number three.

JEN
Number three is that it can divide your interests, your lifestyles, and even your values, right? And you can start to wonder what you have in common anymore. And this is a tough one. So what a lot of people will find in this journey is that they discover what their own personal core values are. They might develop new interests. They are working, you know, obviously working towards a new lifestyle, which means spending your time differently. And that can feel like you and your partner aren’t on the same page anymore. And what you used to connect over, you don’t have that anymore.

ANNIE
I think on a really like tangible daily experience, we do hear members, once you’ve kind of seen the downsides, the harms, the danger in dieting, food, morality, restricting of sweet treats, it’s not uncommon for maybe their members, or their partners, excuse me, to echo some of that old sentiment they maybe used to have, and then they’re like, “No, no, no, no, no, we don’t do that anymore.” And it can create this tension. And I will say that when I had this experience, I feel very much responsible for the way my ex husband talked about women was heavily influenced by the way I talked about women and the way I’ve talked about women and their bodies and what they should and shouldn’t be doing and should and shouldn’t be wearing. You know, this is years ago, right? It influenced him and almost gave him permission to say the same things. And then so when I started to shift, there was almost like this delay, like he had to catch up. You know? [Laughs]

JEN
Oh, yeah.

ANNIE
He was just following my lead. And so over time, once I was like, “No, like I really don’t align with that anymore. That doesn’t feel true to me, I don’t like how that feels anymore,” whatever, he acclimated, but it took a minute.

JEN
For sure, I can think of a couple different situations, too, I mean, everything from how we feed our kids to how we look at the ways we eat and connect over food and how we’re doing that. So one example I can think of is when we first got married, you know, I was a very restrictive dieter back then and after work on Fridays, it was like, our thing to just like basically binge eat, I think we called it a cheat meal back then. But I even remember the meal, you know, we’d almost have the same thing every Friday, we’d both be pumped for it. And like I would feel sick after we had finished eating. And that became a ritual for us in a way we connected. Like, that’s how we kicked back, was to basically overeat together. It was how we blew up the steam of the week and all of that. And so when I stopped doing that, that did create some tension for us, not like marital tension, exactly, but just a tension around like, you know, the tension I felt was like, it was difficult for me to even be around. As far as like, it’s that whole issue around your environment, right? When you’re like, “Hey, I’m trying to honor my body and listen to my fullest cues in every situation. Not just Monday to Friday, but also on the weekends.” And you have someone who still just has, you know, snacks everywhere. These calorie dense, sweet, salty, you know, and it just grew difficult for me, and I do remember a time when I said to my husband that this was not his problem. Like, I’m not trying to micromanage his nutrition habits. It was a me problem, but I’m happy to watch a movie with him, but I needed to, like take a break, go upstairs and watch a bit of TV and when he was done eating, I would join him, and I really owned that. I was struggling with the environment. And then in order to support myself in something that was very important to me, I needed to kind of be removed from the environment for a time. And I think I think he was a little confused by it, and I think he even thought I was being restrictive, like this with some dieting behavior and whatever he had seen from me, you know, as we’ve talked about in the start, he had seen this from me, right? For so many years. So then he thinks I’m, you know, just going over the line of restrictive and I’m like, “No, no, no, no, you don’t understand. This is like really me trying to listen to my body and honor what I need right now. And honor that this is important to me.” So anyways, that would be a situation for me that caused some disconnect, I guess. Yeah. And I think there’s also like, this point of tension when like, and maybe it’s related back to number one of like, a person or your partner, maybe being a bit triggered by your behaviors. But you know, I think probably it brought up like, “Should I be doing that too? Or like, or maybe should I feel bad? Like, there’s something I need to be feeling guilty over?” And my answer to that is no, like, we’re all on our own journeys here. And, you can certainly have a conversation with your partner on, “Hey, do you want to do this together?” But we also have to understand that we’re not always in the same place as our partners are, and ready for change in the same way that our partners, and that’s, you know, that’s, you know, vice versa, right? Your partner could be in a state of change that you aren’t ready for, and we all kind of have to own where we’re at, have our eyes on our own plates and do what’s best for us.

ANNIE
Yeah. So the solution here, as you said, is maybe invite your partner to join you this new lifestyle or not. And maybe you sit down and decide what you can still do together and enjoy.

JEN
Yes, absolutely.

ANNIE
Yeah. Okay, number four, I think this is a super common one, creates friction in your day, as you prioritize you, and take time for yourself, which women, I think, in general have resistance to doing in the first place, right? And then you anticipate that it might cause some friction, or experience that it has caused friction, that can make it even more difficult.

JEN
Yeah, so this isn’t true for every relationship or household. But in general, studies show that often in a household, women take on more labor, I guess, of running a home, and perhaps even having kids. And again, not true in every household. But this is just what studies show. And so I think that a lot of women’s maybe unhealthy habits or inability to manage their habits can be due to not having boundaries with their family members, people they live with, whether that’s just their partner, or an extended family, kids, whatever that is. And I think a lot of people, you know, a lot of it just happens, whether it’s like, social norms or whatever. And one day, you might pop your head up and realize that you do everything for everybody else, and everybody else’s needs are being met, everybody else’s wants are being met. And you are facilitating it. And you aren’t even meeting your own basic needs. And so I know this really felt like a point of tension for me when I stayed home with our kids for four years. And when I went back to work, we had slid into different habits of what felt right for us when I was going to be home with the kids, what my responsibilities were going to be versus his. And when I went back to work, it’s like, we didn’t even have a conversation about it. I just kept doing all the things I had been doing when I was at home and working. Right? And I really lost myself for a bit there. Like I really struggled to manage it all until I realized like, “Hey, I don’t have to do this alone. It’s not 1950 anymore. We just need to have a conversation.”

ANNIE
Right. The way I think about it, or I guess used to think about it when I was married, was kind of have three yards. And each of those yards had a fence around it. I had my own yard. My ex-husband had his yard, and then we had our family yard and I spent a lot of time watering the family’s yard and then I’d come back to my yard and I’d be pissed that my grass is brown. [Laughs]

JEN
Yes. I love that visual.

ANNIE
And you know, meanwhile, my family yard was gorgeous. It was thriving, it was lively. And so what that looked like for me was to say, “Hey, I know you’ve got a nice yard, but I need some help taking care of this one too. So I can take care of mine.” Like, can we divide a little bit, can we share this responsibility?

JEN
Yeah, it is, this is such a tricky one I find. And, you know, again, I’m a huge believer in marriage counseling. And this is definitely something my partner and I have had to hash out with a therapist even, because there’s so much that goes into it, the way you’re raised, and what your own parents’ norms were, how things were around your household, you know, traditional gender roles and how you slide into those expectations, et cetera, et cetera. So we, you know, we started this point of saying it can create friction, but honestly, if you can meet each other, and solve this problem together, it really can create closeness, right?

ANNIE
Mm-hm. Absolutely. Number six, I kind of touched on, but it’s another big one. Number five. Oh, sorry, five. Yes. [Laughs] Got too excited, I got too excited about this one. [Laughs] It changes your sex life.

JEN
Yeah. So I actually looked at a couple different studies on this. In fact, even for this whole podcast, I was looking at different studies on how weight loss can impact your relationship. But you know, different studies show different things. And some studies show it makes it better, some studies show it makes it worse. Why is probably a better question. And understanding that this is totally individual. And if it’s going to, if it changes your sex life or not, and the why is, you know, is it you? Is it them? Is it related back to some of these other points we’ve talked about? Is the friction of you being on this journey, is that what’s causing maybe the divide? Is your, is the confidence you’ve developed? Maybe what’s creating the better connection? But all of that’s worth exploring, I think. Because we want everybody listening to understand themselves better, and understand the relationships better and have a better sex life, if that’s what they want. Better, healthier, whatever we want to call it. Yeah.

ANNIE
And you know, better is such a subjective term.

JEN
Yes, absolutely.

ANNIE
Are we talking about frequency, or talking about quality? Are we talking about… [Laughs]

JEN
Yeah, intimacy, like, yeah, and of course, there’s lots of different intimacy you can experience outside of intercourse. [Laughs]

ANNIE
Yes. Yeah.

JEN
So whatever that means for you.

ANNIE
Yeah, no judgment, you know. [Laughs] You gotta figure that out, and to find that for you. But I would say if it’s not for the better, right? And if it’s, if it’s maybe had a negative impact on your sex life, what would you suggest?

JEN
I would suggest communication, honesty, and counseling. And so, I’ll, one thing that I think some people don’t anticipate is the body image issues that can come up during a weight loss journey, you know, everybody, I think a lot of people have this belief that their body image issues are going to be solved when they lose weight, right? And we could talk about that all day. That’s a whole other topic. But when you’re losing weight, you can’t control how your body is going to look. And some people are surprised, right? So I found as I became leaner, the skin on my stomach became looser. And I started becoming more self-conscious of my stomach leaner than I had been with more body fat. And I was, it was, that was a different journey. So it was a different, I just hadn’t anticipated it or expected it. And so talking about how that could affect someone’s sex life is just the self-consciousness of your body changing and kind of bringing that with you. It can be tough.

ANNIE
I’m trying to think of if it impacted my body image in a surprising way at all. I don’t think it did. Not that I can recall off the top of my head.

JEN
I’ve heard our members talk about, you know, the fear you know, especially for members who feel that they have a lot of weight to lose, or a more significant amount talking about, I’m afraid of what I’m going to look like if I do lose, you know, 80 pounds, 100 pounds, or whatever their goal is, like, what my loose skin is going to look like, like how you know, and asking just for advice of how people cope with that. So I think there’s an awareness there. And all I can say about that is, you know, what, we always come back to Balance365 is living a life in alignment with your values, right? And your body becoming a byproduct of that, rather than trying to create a life that revolves around keeping your body a certain size or shape. And understanding that we don’t have as much control over what our bodies look like, as we’ve been led to believe. Right? And then I think the deeper solution here is just total full, radical self-acceptance in every stage and phase and season of life. And understanding that our bodies never stop changing. Like they never stop changing. They are always in flux, whether our body composition might be changing slightly from season to season, or, you know, we’re aging and that can impact us in different ways. Yeah, it’s a journey.

ANNIE
Yeah. And on that note, if your body is, if you can accept that your body is ever-changing, then that also means that your journey and accepting yourself is also probably ongoing. Right? They go hand in hand. The last one, finally, number six. What do you have?

JEN
Yeah, I’ll let you talk about this, actually, because I feel this is more your wheelhouse. And I think this will be surprising.

ANNIE
Well, so, the sixth and final reason, I guess, for this episode, certainly not all-encompassing, but, it can bring up resentment from you. Meaning that we have heard from members that, “I’ve lost weight, and now my partner is desiring me more,” you know, maybe he’s…I’m sorry, I don’t mean to speak in hetero normative language here, that’s just my own personal reflection, but that my partner is expressing a desire or a longing or an interest in your physical body, right? And this is something that actually came up in the, we have a larger bodies call, coaching call in Balance365, where it’s for women with larger bodies, and to discuss some of the unique experiences that can come with living a larger body. And that came up on the call this week, or this month, a partner was expressing to a member that he no longer found her desirable as a result of weight gain. And she was anticipating some resentment that she might experience if she were to lose the weight for her, not for him. And he starts finding interest in her again, this kind of like, is this unconditional love? What is this? Is this a preference? Like, how does that make me feel? And how do I navigate that? And that can be really, really difficult and tricky.

JEN
Yeah, absolutely. I remember losing weight, and you know, I’ve had two experiences with weight loss like you, like many of our members, there is the experience of being a dieter and like lusting after the compliments. You know, when people notice, you just live for that. And then there’s losing weight as a non-dieter, when you’re doing it for you, and you’re unpacking some of the diet culture stuff. And then people start complimenting you, and you just feel really like you. You just, you don’t want it. You don’t want to hear it. You know, it’s just this whole different shift. And I remember feeling a certain way when my partner was mentioning my weight loss. And, you know, it came from a good intention of trying to compliment me on like, “Hey, I’m noticing, hey, you’re looking so good.” Which you know, two years prior, I would have been all over those comments. And, you know, back to this, how these journeys can create divide in a marriage, how you were talking about with your ex husband that it took him a minute to acclimate to the new Annie. [Laughs] To the new belief system. You know, I had a similar experience where I was like, what does that mean? You know, what does, what does that mean? What are you saying about me 20 pounds ago? Like, and you know, and being like, “Nothing, nothing!” Just like, oh my god, I think there was a time where he felt like he couldn’t say anything right. It’s a tough one. This is a tough one.

ANNIE
It is. It can feel really insulting on so many levels, as you noted, like, what did you think about my body before, if there was, if there was no expression or communication around a lack of interest, and suddenly there’s an increase in interest, it’s like, “Huh, what?” You know, you start putting the pieces of the puzzle or creating these stories in your head. And there’s also this experience, kind of to piggyback on your experience, Jen, when I lost weight, and started receiving compliments about my body, I had also simultaneously expanded my value to acknowledge that I am more than a body. So when I received these compliments on my body, it was like, “Yeah, but I’m also XYZ and this and that, and this and that.” And I was, like, insulted that all they were complimenting me on was my body. [Laughs]

JEN
Yeah, another a memory I have of a conversation you and I had years and years and years ago, was you telling me how salty you were feeling. I mean, your kind of, your social media presence had started to grow. And you were having some dudes slide into your DMs, as they do. And I remember you saying like, “These guys never would have spoken to me when I was a size 24.”

ANNIE
No.

JEN
And you were having, feeling a certain way about it. And I remember thinking, “Wow, like, this is heavy for you.” Like, you were angry. [Laughs]

ANNIE
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, even now, dating, it’s like, hearing some of the comments they make about other women. I can’t help but think, what they would have said about me in a larger body? And hearing those comments, it’s almost like, “No, you’re not it, you’re not for me. Like, we don’t share that same value, those same beliefs about, you know, the purpose of women on this planet,” right? So in some ways, it’s been a good filter. But yeah, there was this experience where it was like, “You would, you never gave me the time of day in high school. And yet here you are, you know, or college or whatever, when I was, when I was single, and unmarried. But like, how convenient. Like, what a coincidence that you’re here now.”

JEN
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so would you have a solution for us, Annie?

ANNIE
You know, I think as you were saying, Jen, about your partner’s eating habits and how it was impacting you and how it was a you problem, not a him problem, I think that that’s first and foremost, that’s important to keep it focused on you, and how you’re receiving maybe increased desire, or these compliments, what you make the mean, what story you’re telling yourself about them. Get clear on that. And then you know, when you’re clear, if and when needed, communicate how you would like to be treated. What you’re okay with what you’re not okay with, if there’s an abundance of physical compliments, or comments in general, and you’re not okay with that, then express that, right? Like that may be a boundary that you have to set, that you’re willing or not willing to entertain. And of course, counseling as needed.

JEN
Yeah. I mean, you know, we’ve heard, we’ve had experiences, we’ve heard stories over the years, and I do think this desirability one is quite hurtful. And I think counseling is such an important, could be a very important part of this particular issue with weight loss and getting your partner to really fully understand, like, the depth of hurt that can come from this circumstance and hopefully bring you closer together. So it’s not a point of resentment for you for years to come.

ANNIE
Right, and I’ll say, you know, to give our partners the benefit of the doubt if possible, because as we talked about earlier, sometimes when you do lose weight, you also increase confidence, and what they might be finding desirable is the increase in confidence, it just also so happened that it accompanies, it comes in a smaller body package, right? But like having been open to the possibility that like, “Oh, maybe I made this mean something about my body and it actually is, you know, the confidence, the tone in which I’m speaking, the boundaries I’m setting, how I’m more secure in communicating my needs, that increase causing the increase in desire,” right? So, you know, clearly I’m quick to write off like, “Oh, you just think I’m hot now.” [Laughs]

JEN
Right. [Laughs]

ANNIE
But it is possible that maybe the increase in desire is coming from a place of this confidence is autonomy, this security that you have in yourself.

JEN
Yeah, and the other benefit of the doubt, I guess you could say is, or just maybe bringing some compassion, if you can, you don’t have to, but if you can, you know, this diet culture stuff, this valuing bodies in different ways, like, you know, we were there, too, and maybe still are, so it’s like, you know, you unpack this and your partner can’t catch up, maybe will never catch up, doesn’t understand. Maybe never had the same experiences as you. And so, compassion is never wrong. I don’t think, you and your partner right? Like, I mean, if we can meet each other with compassion, and seek to understand one another. That’s where I see connection coming. And the way this could be a point of connection is, and I’ve seen this in a lot of our members, when they actually sit down and talk to their partners about diet culture, about what their experience has been in their bodies as a woman. And I’m not saying men don’t have these experiences, or, of course, non-binary people as well. And we have listeners that are non-binary. But just really explaining what your experience has been with your body and the beliefs you’ve developed over the years, maybe from childhood, and just getting some compassion and empathy and can really lead to a point of connection. I remember different things I’ve talked to my partner about, and him just being like, “Wow, like, I had no idea that that’s the way you experienced your body growing up. And that’s what thoughts that you have.” And I remember literally telling him, you know, “Back to this pregnancy and postpartum time for me, like, I have had a belief, like my whole childhood, teens, first part of our marriage, that if I didn’t look a certain way, like you would leave me,” like maybe not in those exact words. But that was kind of this message that I could not become a woman who lets herself go. And he couldn’t believe it. And I’m like, “That’s the message that women are getting.” And so for us, it had been, you know, a real point of connection, or it turned into a point of connection.

ANNIE
Which I think is so beautiful, if you can have those conversations, but it’s nearly impossible to have those conversations if you don’t first have an awareness and a clarity within yourself. Right?

JEN
For sure.

ANNIE
So starting there, if you’re wrestling with some of these experiences, is so important.

JEN
Yeah.

ANNIE
Okay. Great topic, Jen.

JEN
Yeah, thanks.

ANNIE
I’m curious to know, if you’re listening to this episode, send us a message if you’ve experienced any of these, maybe how you’ve worked through it, how you’ve navigated, the approach that you’ve chosen to take, if you’ve tried to address it, if it worked, if it didn’t work, you know, we’re here for all of it. So, thank you, Jen. Appreciate it.

JEN
Thanks, Annie.

ANNIE (OUTRO)
Hey, everyone, if your mind has been blown while listening to this podcast, just wait until you work with us. Let us help you level up your health and wellness habits and your life inside Balance365 coaching. Head on over to balance365.co to join coaching.